Heartless Me…

You said nothing…

Even your eyes were unwilling to speak.

A layer of water was shielding me

From looking into the depth of your eyes.

The uneven breathing,

The trembling lips,

I could see them all…

The tightened grip of your hand

could be felt turning numb.

 

I had failed you…

You tried to grow roses in the desert;

You tried to fill the empty can with nectar;

You tried to warm my heart

But I dried up the warmth of your heart

And turned it into ice cold;

Yet it is as pure as ever

But sharp like a diamond.

I failed you…

 

It is not easy to let go

The hands that reached out to me;

It is not easy to turn my back to

Someone who paved my path;

It is not easy to just walk away…

But I have to walk away

To liberate you,

To liberate myself.

 

As I slowly walk away,

You are standing there like a stone.

I dare not to have a last glance

For the fear of not letting you go,

To tie and pull you along with me

And turn you into a monster.

I wanted to become a better person

And yet I couldn’t stop thinking-

if you were a bit more stubborn.

If you had told me not to go…

I wish you had thrown a tantrum;

I wish you had yelled at me;

I wish you had pushed me away;

I wish you had slapped me in the face,

So that, I could have a reason to hate myself a little less…

So that, I will have a reason to move on…

 

-Panchami Kabbinahitlu