KADUGUSUMA

All I see is bleakness. All that is left is The pitch black darkness, The soft blanket, The pillow pressed against my cheek, The humming of the fan, And another night to stare at the emptiness, to soak the pillow with tears... All I do is trying... Trying to be non-chalant, When all I feel is too much, too deep. Trying to be care free, When all I care is about everything but me. Trying to mend, When there was nothing broken. Trying to make it right, When I don't even know what's wrong. Trying to be strong, When all I wish is to crawl back to shell. Trying to hold on, When all I wish is to be held. Trying to cling to the remnants, When there was nothing to begin with. Trying to try hard When all I wish is to give up. And then again, All I do is try and try some more... And now, all that left is tiredness That tears the tender muscles; That sucks every ounce of my blood; That seeps deep into the bone; That fills the body with ache... I'm so tired... Tired of trying, Tired of ...

She says there is a beauty in letting go, He says holding on is much more beautiful!   She lets go of her whole heart, Her dreams that were whispered to the empty walls of her room, Her desires becoming something more than a name, Her stubborn joy for life, Her innocence, Her soul All while loving him! Without the weight of empty words, Not needing any assurances, Unknowingly they sign contracts of the soul! A silent promise binding them forever! Holding hands through the rough paths of life, They walk forward They cry, They grieve, They love! TOGETHER! No words No grand gestures Just two souls! He holds on to the versions of herself Which she LOVED about herself! He holds on; To the delicate bond that binds them, To those dreams that made her eyes shine, To the desires that drove her life, To her smile that showered nothing but innocent love, To NOTHINGS of life that were shared with her! To her soul that loved him! Thr...

It’s in my nature To hang somewhere between Living and dying... Agony doesn’t terrorize my core existence. Usually, I hold on to moments That consume the remnants of my being— Tarnishing the fragments of hope, Churning my soul for a while. My mind believes it is its job to do these things for me! The moment I try to escape the trap inside, It always drags me down to the locked room in my head— Which I often assume is sealed, Full of the same old, relentless chaos! Grappling in darkness, Where the brighter 'Me,' is just a whisper. Shackled by rusted chains of fears and doubts, Beating myself for reasons I can't define, Building a universe of hate for myself I usually let myself bear the weight of unnecessary thoughts alone. Not reaching for the hands that are ready to lift me, Guide me to the light, Lead me to the life Knowingly ignoring the warmth offered by the world; I end up putting the shackles on myself— That's just me fighting the oth...

With a lost gaze, he wanders around, Trying to steal an ounce of warmth that melts the winter in him! For him, it seems like the world is being showered with love and laughter   Except for the space wherever he is struck.   For him, the spring has always been a rumor,   And he’s a captive of endless winter,   The winter that’s covered in pale snow,   Making his insides feel too cold and dry;   The illusion of solitude stayed with him briefly   And left him freezing in that empty, cruel space alone!   He thinks that this winter is contagious,   It kidnaps all the people around him if he talks about it!   He believes that it swallows man as a whole,   Creating a whirlpool of emotions,   Pulling them into a noiseless, colorless world   Without a trace of the joyous, warm world that once existed!   Not dragging anyone into this mess is his kind of prote...

 It was nice to meet you, “You” who was so ‘Me.’ The familiar loneliness that brushed over you was easier to get along with. It’s comfortable to see The same emptiness rooted within you that’s buried deep inside me; The futile attempts you made to fill the void in your heart; All the pretense you put on to hide the bleakness spread throughout your soul. I know, to seek solace in your sufferings is cruel, But, I think it’s comfortable to see a person who is as broken as me. When I say, we are the same kind of people, I mean, people with the same fears; people with the same pain; people with the same scars; people who are stuck in winter untouched by a moment of warmth; people abandoned under the scorching sun in a shadowless place; people who don’t feel like people amidst people; people who are gulped by an endless dark pit in every break time; people who need to keep their minds busy, so the voices inside shut down, so the screams inside get silenced by the busyness of the moment, ...

She feels like her insides are rotten now, The darkness that surrounds her is getting darker with each passing seconds, Along with the intensity of numbness in her heart! She is giving up on the things slowly, unnoticeably!! She always felt way too much, Smallest things made her happy, And slightest change hurt her. Though happiest things were shared multiple times, When pain only pierced her in silence; All of it was being stacked inside her, And the tears were buried ruthlessly. All alone, almost everytime!! May be silence makes it worse. It happened so many times already that It became a habit, More like a Lifestyle!  She was immuned to the small doses of pain, The kind of doses that increased each time she takes in... Good thing was that this immunity made the pain feel less painful!! The desire of being accepted  Drove her to perfectionism; Which constantly fueled her insecurities!! In this long exhaustive process confident girl inside her was lost, Anxiousness took over ...

  There he stands again with a bouquet of daisies that he could never give… He was too late to get a chance to apologize… Only teardrops were left to decorate that lifeless face; Does he even deserve to stand there?! He was blind to all the longings in the other’s eyes; He was deaf to all the pleadings; He was dumb when he was supposed to speak up for the other; He was the one who mercilessly walked away Leaving the other helpless, Taking away the sole reason to survive! His life changed forever at that moment… The pages of the calendar keep turning, But the page in the Book of Life never changed; There is no color left to ink the pages… The blue that dawned upon never vanished; The season remained the same Without the warmth of the sun, Without the sweet aroma of blossoms, Without the lullaby of birds, Without the colorful butterflies… Fate was so cruel to him that, Even the magic of time didn’t work on him Everything is as vivid as if it ...

  I don’t know how people talk so easily; Say everything they think, With the words that feel just right! I can’t do this thing that everyone else can do; So I chose poetries, I chose photographs, And some paragraphs!! I silently listened to every word you say And noted down the things you loved, I excitedly learned about them, So that we can talk more, Hoping to spend some more time with you…   I used to smile just hearing your name, I used to be happy at the thought of your existence, I used to jump out of joy at your excitement, I used to not miss any minute expressions you make, I used to get curious about your curiosities!!   I thought we were close enough When we gave nicknames to each other, When we teased each other, When we trusted each other When you cried on my shoulder, When you started to share all your victories first with me, When we shared our silence quietly away from everyone Just us!! At all of those mom...